Take that, Gathering Storm assholes.

Insomnia sucks. End of story. I have the feeling I'm going to stay up until the gal taking a look at the place comes by, and then I'm going to have to crash. (I'm moving home at the end of the month--no job, no money--and S is touring people already so that she can hopefully find someone to pick up the slack.)

Today, in addition to the usual Tuesday lovely of therapy (and I get to tell my therapist that This Isn't Working, which is not going to be fun), I get to go to the HMO in a few hours so they can do an ultrasound of my internal girlybits. Awesome!GYN wants to make sure that there isn't some explanation like fibroids or something to explain the evil cramps. I've had ultrasounds on other bits of me, and they're not fun. Plus, I have to drink a bunch of water an hour before to make sure the waves bounce correctly. I'm definitely looking forward to having the tech press on my abdomen when my bladder is full. Not.

Oh, and there's a part that gets done from the inside. Either I have to talk the tech out of it, or there will be a lot of pain. If you hear screaming at about 11a EST, it's the latter.

(And that's ignoring the humor in the fact that the instructions are the same for pregnant women getting ultrasounds, so there are water measurements based on how many months pregnant the patient is. I hate everyone.)

Oh, and did I mention that I have to drink 32oz of water in the next 40 minutes?

(wording largely borrowed from copperbadge, here)

As a person with a brain, the fact that Amazon.com is stripping sales rankings (and thus killing publicity) from gay and lesbian literature is offensive. As a writer, it is insulting. As a writer who is in the process of publishing a book about gay men, it's annoying on a business level.

http://community.livejournal.com/meta_writer/11369.html

Amazon sez:

In consideration of our entire customer base, we exclude "adult" material from appearing in some searches and best seller lists. Since these lists are generated using sales ranks, adult materials must also be excluded from that feature.

Hence, if you have further questions, kindly write back to us.

Sales rankings on erotica have also been pulled. Apparently "adult" material doesn't include non-erotica romance and literature aimed at heterosexuals, however, as their rankings have not been stripped. Way to be, Amazon.

This hits every anger nerve I have, including the one where I AM NOT YOUR BABYSITTER and it is not my responsibility to protect YOUR CHILD or YOUR DELICATE SENSIBILITIES from the internet.

I strongly suggest that if you read slash online, support equality in the arts, dislike censorship, or, you know, think gay people are people, you follow this link to Amazon's support page (you will need to log in):

https://www.amazon.com/gp/help/contact-us/general-questions.html?ie=UTF8&type=email

and notify them that you will not be giving them your business, as they are engaging in discriminatory practices. There is an excellent letter here.

There is a petition here as well.

Update, if you're keeping track.

Spent much of the day cooking (there will be recipes up tomorrow), but I did manage to get a little writing in. Tomorrow Dad and I are going to the nearest computer store (that's left...) and asking some questions, but we're probably going to be coming home with a new hard drive for my poor laptop. It seems like portions of it are corrupted, which is why Windows keeps crashing or "shutting down to prevent damage". Bleh.



I'm so behind...*cries*

Posted fandom_grammar rough draft to fan_grammarians. Already have some beta comments on it.

Washed all three bathrooms including tubs.

Washed bathroom floors, kitchen floor, front hall floor.

Cleaned inside of handvac (OMG the amount of dust in the filter, no wonder it got hot so quickly).

Washed and replaced bathmats.

Replaced towels in bathrooms, kitchen. Washed towels that had been in use.

Six place settings of good dishes, including water glasses, plus assorted serving dishes washed and dried.

Outsides of fridge, dishwasher, and oven wiped down. (I get to clean the inside of the oven once we're done with all the cooking for the seder.)

Wrote and sent A's Otzma reference.

Folded four baskets of laundry (just need assistance to fold the sheets).

I think I've earned a break.

When Dad put Microsoft Office back on my computer (after the slash and burn of last weekend), I didn't realize that he used the Microsoft Office Small Business 2007 version. I hadn't used it before now, and now I want to rip my hair out.

I am notorious for not liking upgrades of software that I am used to using. Despite the fact that I have Vista Home (Basic), to look at my computer you would think I was running '98 (I've done this since I was forcibly "upgraded" to XP). I was perfectly happy with the version of Office (I think it's 2003...) that I was running before the slash and burn.

I do not have the energy to completely relearn my goddamned word processor. I want to be able to type. In Times New Roman 12 pt font. No extra lines between paragraphs, no cutesy bouncing icons telling me that I have typos, no having to search for five minutes to figure out how to change some of these things and not being able to figure out how to change others.

Call me a troglodyte. Call me low-tech. Call me anti-Mac (because we all know that everyone wants to look like the fucking Mac interface). I just want my old programs back.

(And to not have to replace my hard drive [almost certainly] or my entire computer [distinct possibility]. Do Not Want.)

This is how it works:

At least in my case, I tend to have depressive episodes for one of the following reasons: some specific stimulus (losing my job, fighting with my mother, etc.); hormones (I tend to get nuts the day or two before my period); response to a medication (standard anti-depressants make me sick, manic, or more depressed than I already was, much to my chagrin); or, and this is my favorite, for no particular reason at all. Alright, reason #4 is actually a subset of reason #1, but sometimes I can't pin down the thing that set me off until later.

Right now, though, I'm not sure what set me off. I started my period around midnight Wednesday into Thursday, but if that was the cause, I should be fine by now. The new medication I started on Saturday can cause depression. And I know that the new volunteer job is fucking with my head more than I think it's worth. I'm just not sure which thing is at fault, or if it's a combination, or what. (I do know that if the meds aren't make it worse, they certainly aren't helping, either.) And due to the way that I shut down when I'm depressed, I'm not able to talk to anyone to ask for help. Odd, that the panic attacks are generally more debilitating, and yet I seem to be able to reach out during them in a way that I can't when I'm depressed.

And while my comp is theoretically fixed, it's still having some of the problems that led up to the big nasty crash that turned into a slash-and-burn reformat last weekend. I don't have the energy or money to replace it right now.

And I can't get WoW to install, which means I can't kill things to soothe my nerves, and that's not helping, either.

And I seem to have run out of prep-less food again. I really need to do some cooking so that I've got microwaveable meals around, but right now even getting up and cutting up a few slices of cheese is too much work.

I hate this.

So, today I start the Brand New Volunteer Job at Dad's library (yay, nepotism), which is basically just an excuse to get me out of the house and doing something until I feel confident that I can go to a paying job on a regular basis, and then can get said paying job. I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing (the part of the library Dad works in is a special collection of an already specialized library, so it's not like I'm going to just be a public library page or something), but he's said that there are three people he's going to tell that I'm available to be put to work, "and then they can fight over you". So I guess there's something useful I can do?

Mathematically, most of my programs have been reinstalled. However, I've saved the hard ones for last. I'm installing iTunes right now (rather, it's installed, but now I'm syncing it to my music library), but I'm going to be a chicken and wait until tonight to see what happens when I plug in the iPod. Anyone know if it will recognize this as the computer it knows, or if I'll have to reassign it?

(I'm also waiting to install WoW until I have a lot of time to devote to it. I'm not looking forward to that one; I know it takes for-bloody-ever.)

Think tummy is sufficiently awake now that I can grab a bowl of cereal. And then I get to brush my teeth sans running water. Joy. Good news is that the plumber is supposed to arrive today between 8a and 10a. The bad news is that Landlady is going to be the one here to deal with him. Other bad news is that I suspect he's going to cut up our ceiling to get to the damaged pipe(s), rather than go through the hardwood upstairs. I don't like having holes in my walls/ceilings. *sigh* Whoever ran the original pipes in this place was an idiot (the house isn't that old, and two major pipe bursts in six months is a very bad sign).

Alright, clothes, then brekkie, then creative toothbrushing, then train for 45 minutes (at least the website is actually listing delays, for once). 9-to-5, here we go!

Survived work on Friday, but came home and had an anxiety attack sparked by trying to decide what to make for dinner. Couldn't get in touch with my parents, so kashmir_ki_kali talked me through making myself a bowl of soup. Then she sneakily called my parents (you did the right thing, hon), who swept in and took me to their house and helped me eat some more, take a few pills, and get a little bit of sleep.

Was back into deep depression mode this morning, but Mum and Da managed to get me over to work and basically took shifts sitting in the lobby (no idea why, but it makes me feel better when I'm like that to have one of them sitting there). Work was a hell unto itself, which didn't help, but I survived it. Went back to the 'rents' and had a bit of a minor baking disaster, which started Mum yelling and messed me up again, but she actually brought JJ up to my room and plunked him on my belly too apologize (poor thing had never been upstairs, I suspect he was terrified). Then Da and I went out to get Chinese food and some groceries for my place. Had dinner, sorted my laundry out from the household laundry, and then Da drove me home.

Have work tomorrow (ugh, have to be up at 4a) and rehearsals, and then more of both plus therapy on Tuesday, and then I just get to focus on the show until curtain on Friday.

I'm not 100% sure I can do this, but I'm going to try.

Started my day with an anxiety attack, brought on by trying to decide whether to bring a t-shirt to change into after I got out of work (so as to stalk the place I applied to again). I managed to call Dad, who was most of the way to work, who drove to my place. I managed to get dressed, take some of the Xanax (which is supposed to stop this when it happens, but we hadn't gotten a chance to test drive it), and give my therapist's voicemail a heads up, using the rational that I could keep crying as long as I was moving.

Yeah, this was of the couldn't stop crying and alternating between hyperventilating and being unable to breathe at all variety. Dad's never seen that before; I think I really scared him.

So, he drove me to work, and I composed myself just enough to ask to speak to the MOD for a sec. This, of course, was the one I used to not get along with and who just came back to our store, so didn't know the whole deal with my health issues, so I was terrified. I told her that I was there (obviously), but I really wasn't in any shape to work, and I'd stay if they needed me to but I was barely able to get out of bed that morning. She told me to go home and she'd stretch the shifts on either side of me to cover, and to just keep in touch re: me working tomorrow, which was best possible scenario.

Dad took me to the rents' house, where I waited the hour and a half it took for the pills to kick in (after about an hour I was breathing again, but I kept finding myself pressing my hand so hard against my mouth I was afraid I'd break my teeth). Then he force-fed me tea and Irish soda bread and took me home again before heading off to work.

I'd planned to watch some of my TV backlog; low-stress, and would keep me from thinking about any of the things that could set me off again. But when I took the Xanax this morning I took my bedtime dose (one fast-acting to shut up my brain so I can sleep and one extended release to keep me from waking up when the fast-acting wears off), which on top of the wrung out, post-adrenalin high of the attack left me sleepy as hell. So I slept from 9 to about 3, and I'm going to be going to bed again in about ten minutes.

Was able to rehearse the two people today, though I did it in my pjs and bathrobe and C came by to pretend to AD when the creepy guy was here. Yes, I know the irony of a creepy guy in a show about women's empowerment, but we were desperate. And he pinged me, A, and C, so it's not in my head.

Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can write some in the morning, and then I have work in the afternoon. I'd like to actually be able to talk to my parents about what's actually going on, but I'm deathly afraid it'll set me off again. I might try sending Dad an e-mail with all of it laid out, because I seem to do better with text than verbal mediums. We'll see how I feel tomorrow; I almost cancelled the rehearsals this afternoon because I just couldn't handle people.

God, I hate this.