melayneseahawk: (too fond of books)
Or ruin. Who knows?

Today I applied for a part time sales position at a local small-time chain pet supply store in my neighborhood. Yes, my depression is far from managed right now, but we're trying something new that hopefully (fingers crossed!) will fix things. Also, being cooped up in the house with nothing to do is definitely exacerbating my symptoms: the depression makes me bored with my usual distraction techniques (tv, reading, World of Warcraft), so the time can only really be passed by napping, which is also not good for me.

So! Part time job to get me out of the house. We'll see how it goes.
melayneseahawk: (flowers)
I went to physical therapy.

I talked to a financial adviser at my bank about investment options.

I gave my information to an organization I want to volunteer with.

I bought coffee filters.

Can I have my reward now?
melayneseahawk: (abandon hope)
Cold recovery now extended to almost two weeks, plus a bout of depression and a trip to the ER due to an allergic reaction to the Ambien I was given so I could sleep through the coughing. *sigh*

But! Cold is almost gone and allergy is being treated and depressive spiral was broken by the ER trip. So I've gotten more done today than I have in close to two weeks and I actually feel positive about it. I did accomplish one useful thing while I was sick, though, which was to talk to Nik* about FUTURE PLANS. I still don't really know what I'm doing, but I think I've narrowed it down some.

The biggest problem right now is actually DragonCon. For the first time ever, I'm not really enthusiastic about going. Maybe it's because I feel completely disconnected from fandom, or that the things I nerd out about have shifted without me getting involved in the fandom communities for the source material. Maybe it's the depression (though this was actually going on before the most recent bout). Maybe I'm just having issues remembering how much fun con is, and only focusing on the negative stuff (lots of walking, lots of lines, the hard-work side of cosplaying). Nik and I are probably only going to cosplay one day this year, rather than two or three, but does anyone have any ideas for how to get my con nerd mojo back?

*For those not in the know, Nik is my fiancé. If you've met him, you probably know his real name, but Nik is a nickname.
melayneseahawk: (filthy hippie)
Finally returning to LJ. And since a lot has happened in the past months, I thought I'd meme it up to catch everyone up.

Also, I've been on LJ eight years today. Terrifying.

Journal Entries: 1,470
Tags: 98
Userpics: 190

Comments posted: 12,009
Comments received: 2,967

Mutual Friends: 29
Also Friend Of: 81
Member of Communities: 142

Communities moderated/created: [ profile] fandom_grammar (created), [ profile] jd_ficathon (created)

long meme under the cut )
melayneseahawk: (serotonin)
Haven't heard back from Panera or the crepe place, though I'm not surprised. I wasn't particularly optimistic about my chances with either of those. I really need to go out pounding the pavement to find other job openings, but it's just so depressing. Monday. I'll do it Monday.

New news on the medication front, at least. medical babble )

Also started a regimen of stupid-high doses of vitamins B12 and D, because apparently my levels are super-low, which can cause mental health problems. Oh, it would be wonderful if all I needed to feel better was a fistful of vitamins, but I doubt I'll be that lucky.
melayneseahawk: (explode)
Not-quite-a-week with the parents turned into week-and-a-half with the parents, but that's not the end of the world. I got to see all my DC friends (including one who is moving to Seattle this month! what is it with me and losing people to Seattle?), and am going to be able to go Israeli dancing twice, so that's pretty neat. Also, Mom and I went to see the Anglo-Saxon Hoard exhibit at the National Geographic Museum, which was amazing. Seriously, if you are in the DC area, you should try to see it, it's really neat, and likely will not be in the US again after the exhibit closes in early March.

Things! are going on in [ profile] stargate_summer and [ profile] jd_ficathon, and the New Grammarian Drive is still going on for [ profile] fandom_grammar, so that's all exciting. [ profile] brainofck has taken over as my alpha reader for my [ profile] stargate_summer, which is awesome; we've already found a solution to one of the major problems I'd been having; naturally, said solution requires research, but isn't that always the case?

Moodwise, I've actually been feeling better the last week or so--minus a teeny tiny breakdown last night--but there's no way of knowing if that's because of the new medicine (it has a flavor! and that flavor is black cherry ick) or because I've been around people this last week, so we shall see if it continues when I'm back on my own in the Burgh. I hope so, I really do. I'm so, so tired of being a lump of sad all the time.
melayneseahawk: (vent)
And then I wound up in the ER again. God-fucking-damnit.

Had what was probably an allergic reaction to the new med the new doc put me on. And in the middle of the night, of course, so I wound up in the ER at one in the morning to have them look at my hands, which had suddenly swollen up and gone all red. It went down pretty quickly (with the help of some Benadryl), and I managed to talk them out of putting me on steroids, but still. Did not need this. At all.

And then, of course, when I finally woke up today, I found out that a project that I'd been working on to try to earn some extra cash had been turned down. And, because I'm so fucking broke, I can't afford to redo it.

This last 24 hours is so fired.
melayneseahawk: (crazy)
Very overdue. Here's a basic overview of the last few months:

- moved to Pittsburgh in the middle of August for school
- started school the end of August; had a panic attack in my first class on my first day, but managed to go to classes the rest of that first week
- went to Dragon*Con, came back with a cold
- was unable to get to class for about a month; finally checked myself into the psych ER because I wasn't eating, and wasn't getting care since I didn't have a doctor yet; after some insurance company drama, I spent two nights in a partial inpatient program before returning to my apartment
- began attending an intensive outpatient program, which consisted of group and individual therapy and medication management
- went back to school for three weeks, and was doing pretty much fine, but then fell apart again; formally withdrew from school, with the intention of returning in the fall due to prereqs and stuff
- had another breakdown after Thanksgiving, which lead to me losing the job I had managed to get after withdrawing from school

Since then, I've finally found a doctor here in the Burgh, and we're starting to try to find an appropriate drug cocktail to get me functional again. It's...not pretty, but I'm still here, and I'll take what I can get.


Wednesday, 6 April 2011 11:49
melayneseahawk: (cursor)
Not dead, just very busy. Here's a basic update of the last two weeks:

Have gone back to work, which is a good thing. It means money, and it means something to do, and it's a constant ego boost, because both my bosses (I have two, it's complicated) think I'm wonderful. It's nice to be appreciated. :D

Mood has generally been pretty good, though of course I've started experiencing one of the negative side effects of one of the meds. Actually, I've been experiencing it for a few months, but just realized it. Basically, I've gained about 20 pounds in three months. Now, I was too thin before that, so about 10-15 of those are welcome, but it means that most of my pants don't fit anymore and my tits are now enormous. Will be adding exercise to my schedule (finally; should have done that years ago), and changing my eating habits a bit, but I'm not sure if I want to go clothes shopping before I lose that five pounds. On the one hand, it sucks that only two pairs of jeans and my three work pants still fit. On the other, I don't want to spend $40+ per pair on jeans, only to have them potentially not fit if the weight comes off. If anyone has any thoughts on the matter, I'd love to hear them.

I've officially finished four of my six college applications (one rejected me before I could finish, the other I still have to do the interview). I'm all-but-formally-accepted to one of my top schools, which is really great, and I should be hearing back from the others soon. Then I have to visit the ones I haven't seen, and make a decision. Eep.

Have also decided to let my [ profile] stargate_summer fic wait until next year. Between my schedule and [ profile] theemdash's, there was no way it was going to be done in time. Apparently, it takes me two years if I want to write something novel-length. *shrugs*

Had a fight with a new recipe yesterday and the day before, and while I've learned a lot, it's still not perfect. I mean, it tastes good, but it doesn't look right yet. But I have some ideas for how to deal with that, so it will take more experimentation when I have time (and more blue food coloring).

I feel like today is going to be a spammy day, so I'll likely see you all again soon. :P
melayneseahawk: (explode)
Have broken my "don't wind up in the hospital" resolution already: spent Sunday afternoon in Urgent Care with the Mysterious Bump of Mystery on my forehead. First I thought I'd banged it on something, then when my whole forehead swelled up the advice nurse thought it was an infection. The Urgent Care doc took one look at my byzantine medical history and decided to go a little crazy: antibiotic cocktail and take me off my new birth control, just in case it was an allergic reaction.

Had follow-up with my regular doc today, who listened to my symptoms, poked me in the head, and declared it an allergic reaction to a spider bite. Off the antibiotics, back on the birth control; 'round we go, where it stops, nobody knows.


On the other hand, I finally finally FINALLY took that make-up exam from last semester. You know, the one that was giving me panic attacks? It wasn't great, but at least it's over.

And then I got myself back on the schedule at work, and rewarded myself with ice cream, so all and all I'd call today a win.

needs more cookies!

Saturday, 3 July 2010 19:43
melayneseahawk: (salt)
Or dots. :P

Mood seems to be much better. Have gotten over my head cold (who gets a cold in 90 degree summer weather? I do!). Going to try to sort out the Borders situation soon; hopefully, they'll be willing to take me back, and then I'll have a job.

Crispy Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies
from Smitten Kitchen
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 egg
1 egg yolk
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 325°.

Sift flour, baking soda, and salt in small bowl and set aside. Cream melted butter and sugars until well blended and smooth. Beat in vanilla, egg, and egg yolk until light and creamy. Mix in dry ingredients until just blended, then stir in chocolate chips with a wooden spoon.

Drop cookies by rounded tablespoons onto parchment-covered baking sheets. Bake 10-15 minutes, until edges of cookies are toasted, then remove to wire racks to cool.

Makes about 3 dozen.

mini update

Monday, 14 June 2010 16:30
melayneseahawk: (vent)
Fic is done. Still in need of a beta. Details here. Would greatly appreciate it.

I'm not usually heavy on the social anxiety, but it definitely gets worse when I'm depressed. And, since I've been a wreck for the last three weeks or more, I've been spending most of my time in my room. And then I spent a little too long trying to socialize this weekend, so I'm feeling rather back at square one. It's very, very aggravating. I'd been hoping to work out the work situation this week, but I'm really not feeling like I can go back to work right now. *insert usual complaints about money and parental pressure*

I'm just so tired.
melayneseahawk: (bring back black)
Have been having nightmares the last few days of being in my house and there being monsters or robbers or [insert fantastical whatever here] trying to get in. I don't need a dream dictionary or a shrink to translate them.

It's clear my subconscious is worried about leaving my comfort zone. The house is safe, not somewhere I'm trapped.

The medicine cocktail I'm on right now seems to be working. I still have less-than-great days, but I think I'm ready to start job hunting, and maybe moving out again once I have employment. Then from there the plan is to go back to taking classes this summer, and maybe Fall 2011 will be my triumphant(?) return to the world of the four year college.

My birthday is in two weeks, and I'm going to be old enough that I've had friends I've known for over a decade and friends are moving in with their SOs and getting married and moving on. And I've spent the last couple years raging about the fact that I haven't been doing the same.

And now that I am? It's quite clear that at least part of me is terrified.

Here's hoping I can cope.

a real-life post

Saturday, 13 March 2010 14:00
melayneseahawk: (emotions suck)
...while I wait for cookies and laundry to be done. Oh, I'm so domestic.

the last three weeks or so, subdivided by theme )

So, as it currently stands, I still have to formally withdraw, but that has to wait until week after next, since I'm leaving for NYC tomorrow and will be there for a week. I'd hoped that this trip would be over spring break, but now I'm on extended vacation again. :( I'll be seeing a bunch of folks I haven't seen in a while, and some theatre and a number of museums. Hopefully I'll be feeling sufficiently better that I can start job hunting when I get back.

And then we do a drug challenge of the birth control. It sounds rather like a game show, I know.

But, the cookies are now done, and I have it on good authority that they came out AWESOME. At least I can still do some things right. :D
melayneseahawk: (salmonella bomb)
1. Well, that was a nice couple days of normal moods. Too bad it seems to be over. :(

2. Real-Person Slash is never not creepy. *shudders*

3. Recipe! These guys are less maple cookie and more sugar cookie with a hint of maple. Subtle, but in a good way. I'm guessing that the glaze would negate that, but I didn't make it since I was concerned that it would make the cookies too sticky to store.

Maple Cookies (with optional glaze)
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup pure maple syrup
2 large eggs
3 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon coarse salt

Preheat oven to 350°. In a medium bowl, beat butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in 1/2 cup maple syrup and eggs. Gradually stir in flour and salt. Dough will be very sticky.

Scoop dough onto baking sheets in rounded teaspoons, spaced 2" apart. Using fingers or the back of a spoon, flatten cookies to 1/4 inch thickness.

Bake 12-15 minutes, until cookies are just beginning to brown at the edges. Transfer cookies to wire racks to cool.

Glaze: In a small saucepan, simmer 1 cup maple syrup until reduced to 3/4 cup. When cookies are cooled, spoon the syrup over the cookies and sprinkle each cookie with a little salt.

Makes about 3 dozen cookies (I made a half batch and came up with 29, so do the math).

3a. OMG I have so much work to do tomorrow...
melayneseahawk: (school)
The snow is coming down so quickly, I don't even have words to describe it. If it were rain, I'd say coming down in buckets. Is this what it's like to live where they have real winters?

Anyway, I've been meaning to do a RL update for a while, so here it is:

cut for tl;dr )

tl;dr: It was bad. It got better.
melayneseahawk: (dance)
aka the aforementioned RL update

Things have settled down, finally. I started a new medication, which might help with my mood, and also might help fix the fact that I'm always freezing; apparently my thyroid function was on the low side of normal, and bringing that up might solve two problems. Hopefully. Also, I've learned that my cholesterol and triglycerides are bizarrely high (the one thing I got from my mother's side of the family, wonderful), so now I have to change my diet. More oatmeal, more exercise, but I refuse to give up the cheese. (It's also possible that one of the meds I'm on is adding to this problem, which would be just peachy.)

Finally, finally, finally took that art history test make-up. It was making me crazy, and I do not exaggerate there. The test itself was a bear (two periods she never covered in class, a couple of images I'd never seen before), but it's over and done with and I don't really care anymore. I had A's on every other test and assignment in the class, so I'll probably wind up with a B for the final grade, and that's fine.

Spring semester starts tomorrow. I'm taking Intro to Sociology and Intro to Political Science. I'm also going to be taking a writing course, but it's taking a little bit of effort to sign up for it. Should have it sorted out by the end of the day tomorrow.

And if the first two weeks of classes go well, I'll be filling out a few job applications. The places all seem to be hiring, so fingers crossed and all that.

And then I have to start contacting and applying to colleges. Man, the future is scary.
melayneseahawk: (ibid)
Moderately productive day, if only because I got a bunch of things in motion but they're not done yet. Also managed to have three vials of blood drawn with minimal freaking out (have I mentioned I'm not good with needles?), so that's useful, too.

Though, waking up mid-panic attack this morning was an experience I never wish to repeat. *shudders*

Posted a quick Jack/Daniel commentfic yesterday, for [personal profile] jdjunkie's hot/cold 'thon:

Warm Up Nicely | PG-13 | 279 words | complete

Comments collecting over there (you can log in with OpenID if you have and eljay, or you can comment anon), though I'll be archiving it at [ profile] writers_island at some point.
melayneseahawk: (good morning)
Wound up getting exactly nothing done on Monday, minus the writing year-in-review roundup. Was much more productive yesterday, only to discover that there's something wrong with the plumbing, so the food refuse that had gone down the kitchen sink had come back up the basement slop sink, spraying rotting food all over the inside of the basin and dirty water onto a quantity of floor. I may have had a teeny bit of a freakout, and then called the parentals. Cleaned up the water, moved the waiting-to-be-washed laundry that had gotten wet to a bathtub to rinse out, and Mum called the landlord and the plumber.

And I had to get up at 6:30a to meet the plumber.

He's snaking the drain right now, so hopefully that'll be fixed soon. Then I'm taking a shower and washing everything in the house.

Thank you, world, for feeling the need to push my limits when I'm already shaky. At least I see the doc about replacement meds tomorrow.

happy new year!

Saturday, 2 January 2010 00:31
melayneseahawk: (january - looking forward looking back)
NYE was awesome. [ profile] allandaros is hosting an epic house party/reunion for a bunch of his friends from a summer camp he used to go to, and [ profile] kashmir_ki_kali and I stopped by the New Year's Eve festivities. There two epic rounds of Apples to Apples, two even more epic rounds of Taboo, an overcomplicated Battlestar Galactica-based tabletop RPG, a card-based game I only vaguely understood the purpose of, and discussion until 7 this morning. Then I laid down on the loveseat in the library and watched the sun come up. It was lovely.

(There were also shenanigans when we reached 11p and suddenly realized we had nothing to toast the new year. But, Google maps provided a liquor store that was open until midnight, and two of the guys ran out to grab wine, kosher wine, and non-alcoholic bubbly. And then they had to find a corkscrew. It was pretty funny.)

I love being able to hang out with geeky people, I really do. Many of the folks I already knew (from high school, or people I'd already met at other events), but I also got to meet a bunch of other really cool people that I hope to be able to keep in touch with. Despite the whole meds debacle (ongoing)--which is, of course, affecting my mood--I still felt more like me than I had in a while.

In other good news, I was able to deliver to [ profile] alladaros his Friendship Stimulus Gift, so I can now share pictures of it:

I'm particularly pleased with the back, because I'm a freak I'd never finished a pattern with that technique before. I'm really, really pleased with the way it turned out.

So, that's all of my Friendship Stimulus Gifts, and since I did, in fact, give it to him on 31 December, that means I even managed to complete them all on time. Woot!

Will be memeing it up tomorrow, in between washing floors and probably even more baking. Now I'm going to have some more candied ginger to deal with the acid reflux the steroid gave me, since I can't take any more Pepcid and we don't have any Tums. FML, but at least I'm smiling.


melayneseahawk: (Default)

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