highrise living for a joke like me

Insomnia sucks. End of story. I have the feeling I'm going to stay up until the gal taking a look at the place comes by, and then I'm going to have to crash. (I'm moving home at the end of the month--no job, no money--and S is touring people already so that she can hopefully find someone to pick up the slack.)

Today, in addition to the usual Tuesday lovely of therapy (and I get to tell my therapist that This Isn't Working, which is not going to be fun), I get to go to the HMO in a few hours so they can do an ultrasound of my internal girlybits. Awesome!GYN wants to make sure that there isn't some explanation like fibroids or something to explain the evil cramps. I've had ultrasounds on other bits of me, and they're not fun. Plus, I have to drink a bunch of water an hour before to make sure the waves bounce correctly. I'm definitely looking forward to having the tech press on my abdomen when my bladder is full. Not.

Oh, and there's a part that gets done from the inside. Either I have to talk the tech out of it, or there will be a lot of pain. If you hear screaming at about 11a EST, it's the latter.

(And that's ignoring the humor in the fact that the instructions are the same for pregnant women getting ultrasounds, so there are water measurements based on how many months pregnant the patient is. I hate everyone.)

Oh, and did I mention that I have to drink 32oz of water in the next 40 minutes?

Survived work on Friday, but came home and had an anxiety attack sparked by trying to decide what to make for dinner. Couldn't get in touch with my parents, so kashmir_ki_kali talked me through making myself a bowl of soup. Then she sneakily called my parents (you did the right thing, hon), who swept in and took me to their house and helped me eat some more, take a few pills, and get a little bit of sleep.

Was back into deep depression mode this morning, but Mum and Da managed to get me over to work and basically took shifts sitting in the lobby (no idea why, but it makes me feel better when I'm like that to have one of them sitting there). Work was a hell unto itself, which didn't help, but I survived it. Went back to the 'rents' and had a bit of a minor baking disaster, which started Mum yelling and messed me up again, but she actually brought JJ up to my room and plunked him on my belly too apologize (poor thing had never been upstairs, I suspect he was terrified). Then Da and I went out to get Chinese food and some groceries for my place. Had dinner, sorted my laundry out from the household laundry, and then Da drove me home.

Have work tomorrow (ugh, have to be up at 4a) and rehearsals, and then more of both plus therapy on Tuesday, and then I just get to focus on the show until curtain on Friday.

I'm not 100% sure I can do this, but I'm going to try.

Started my day with an anxiety attack, brought on by trying to decide whether to bring a t-shirt to change into after I got out of work (so as to stalk the place I applied to again). I managed to call Dad, who was most of the way to work, who drove to my place. I managed to get dressed, take some of the Xanax (which is supposed to stop this when it happens, but we hadn't gotten a chance to test drive it), and give my therapist's voicemail a heads up, using the rational that I could keep crying as long as I was moving.

Yeah, this was of the couldn't stop crying and alternating between hyperventilating and being unable to breathe at all variety. Dad's never seen that before; I think I really scared him.

So, he drove me to work, and I composed myself just enough to ask to speak to the MOD for a sec. This, of course, was the one I used to not get along with and who just came back to our store, so didn't know the whole deal with my health issues, so I was terrified. I told her that I was there (obviously), but I really wasn't in any shape to work, and I'd stay if they needed me to but I was barely able to get out of bed that morning. She told me to go home and she'd stretch the shifts on either side of me to cover, and to just keep in touch re: me working tomorrow, which was best possible scenario.

Dad took me to the rents' house, where I waited the hour and a half it took for the pills to kick in (after about an hour I was breathing again, but I kept finding myself pressing my hand so hard against my mouth I was afraid I'd break my teeth). Then he force-fed me tea and Irish soda bread and took me home again before heading off to work.

I'd planned to watch some of my TV backlog; low-stress, and would keep me from thinking about any of the things that could set me off again. But when I took the Xanax this morning I took my bedtime dose (one fast-acting to shut up my brain so I can sleep and one extended release to keep me from waking up when the fast-acting wears off), which on top of the wrung out, post-adrenalin high of the attack left me sleepy as hell. So I slept from 9 to about 3, and I'm going to be going to bed again in about ten minutes.

Was able to rehearse the two people today, though I did it in my pjs and bathrobe and C came by to pretend to AD when the creepy guy was here. Yes, I know the irony of a creepy guy in a show about women's empowerment, but we were desperate. And he pinged me, A, and C, so it's not in my head.

Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can write some in the morning, and then I have work in the afternoon. I'd like to actually be able to talk to my parents about what's actually going on, but I'm deathly afraid it'll set me off again. I might try sending Dad an e-mail with all of it laid out, because I seem to do better with text than verbal mediums. We'll see how I feel tomorrow; I almost cancelled the rehearsals this afternoon because I just couldn't handle people.

God, I hate this.

I am currently playing simultaneous games of phone tag with two different people, which is always fun. I have also had a really, really long day.

Woke up at 4a, since I was opening at work. Proceeded to stare at the ceiling until 4:30, when I rolled out of bed, dressed, and did other things that would make me presentable to the general public. O picked me up at 10 of and drove us to work; he lives near me, and he's a gentleman when he's not being an ass, so he refused to let me take the bus once he realized we were opening together. (No joy on Thursday, the other day I open this week; L is also lacking in car.) Worked for just under six hours--there's funny stories there, but I'm too tired to relate them--though I spent most of that time using the register/side of the pastry case/wall/broom to keep me upright.

Mum picked me up just as I got out, and we went to Local HMO Offices to have needles poked in our arms (shot for me, blood work for her), and then she dropped me off at therapy. And then I got home, with the plan to write...and have been watching Brotherhood 2.0 since I got home at about 3.

*headdesk*

(This did, however, remind me of two projects--one SUPA SEKRIT and one not so much--I've been meaning to do, so maybe it'll help me get on them.)

Good news, though, is that I am now fully protected from two main strains of HPV, which cause cervical cancer. Maybe. There are like 14+ strains, though only four cause cancer, as I recall, something like that. Whatever. Is done, and my arm and shoulder and side-of-neck hurt. Note to y'all who haven't gotten it done yet: they're right, the third ones burns going in and hurts like a motherfucker afterwards.

Jesus Allah Buddha, it's a good thing I've got two days off now. My head's going to fall off and roll away.

In a new development, the To-Do List is subdivided now, because my brain is a sieve. (Yes, this is the way my brain actually works. I'm a freak, I know.)

( tl;dr )

I'm sure I'm forgetting things, too.

ETA: Wow, how many different ways did I blaspheme in this post? This has got to be a personal record.

Ugh, utterly useless day, though I think my general malaise has more to do with the Dreaded Depressive Episode that I was anticipating rather than actually being sick. I woke up at 7p feeling like a blob of DO NOT WANT, canceled my appointments for today, and went back to bed, sleeping until about 1p. I've been laying around reading fanfic all day, mostly. Had tea, and some spicy soup (mm, spicy soup, have I mentioned my affection for it?) around 5, and am now debating additional sustenance before I go back to bed at midnight. (Benefit of pills: I sleep when I want me to, most of the time.) Might just have some more seaweed salad and hope that I wake up feeling better tomorrow.

I was also hit with the plot of my imaginarybeasts last night, and kashmir_ki_kali helped me iron out the ending, but of course I didn't get anything done today, much less writing. Have to catch up tomorrow, but I know that A's claimed me to help clean her room, and then we have rehearsals for MMRP (big honking disaster, that one, but what can you do?)

And on a completely unrelated note, the Yaz pills taste terrible for some reason (that, my friends is part of the post I was going to write yesterday, entitled "LOTS OF STUFF YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MY VAG").

Need additional sustenance, but also need to sleep because I have to be up at 7a tomorrow. For a GYN appointment. Oh, the horrors. I think I'm going to got stare at the contents of the freezer for a few minutes, and then give up and go to bed. (Part of the problem, of course, is that while S said she'd do the dishes, the sink is still full to exploding. I've decided that I may not actually be sick, I may have just strained my throat from all the yelling-to-be-heard at the club last night, but I'm not going to take the chance.)

Also, note to self: the Emeril brand chicken stock Dad bought me? Only mildly edible, but only with the addition of rice, black pepper, and parmesan cheese. Easily a quarter of a cup of parmesan cheese. Which was all that I had left. Curse you, inedible chicken stock! The organic stuff I usually buy (for risotto) tastes much better, and it doesn't actually need anything added to it.

Also, I seem to be unable to speak in complete sentences tonight. WTF, brain?

ETA Seaweed salad from the Asian market counts as food, right?

You know what's a bad idea? Staying out until 2a (went to Be:Bar to see the drag show and stuck around for an hour waiting for people to dance, and then went to the Diner in Adams Morgan for grilled cheese at 1a) and then trying to get up at 9. And even though we tried the new Xanax configuration (one regular formula and one extended release at bedtime, in the hope that the latter would keep the former from waking me up), if didn't seem to have worked, so I'm still groggy as fuck.

And I have to leave for work in a little over an hour. Joy.

In good news! I've finished my picfor1000, but it's about 300 words short. I know I can flesh out the doped-on-painkillers!Daniel/indulgent!Jack interaction, I've just been staring at it too long. Help!

So, I've officially turned into the kind of person who is supposed to take a Xanax and calm down. I've actually been using Xanax for a couple of weeks already, as-needed to deal with days when the anxiety is particularly bad, or when I know I have to do something that's going to give me trouble. Yesterday, the doc switched me from the extended release formula (originally, I was supposed to be taking the Xanax every day, but I didn't like the groggy feeling it gave me) to the regular one and I'm supposed to use it as a sleep aid: take it before bed to shut up the anxiety loop my brain gets into so I can fall asleep faster. Took it at 11 last night, went to bed at midnight without the brain chatter (it was lovely), but then I woke up at 3-4am (about when the meds would have worn off) and had trouble falling back to sleep. I let myself sleep a little later to compensate (since I'm not really time-sensitive today) and called the doc to give him the heads up. I've no way of knowing if it was just my brain being dumb or if it was the meds, but I'm going to try again tonight and if it happens again tonight we'll need to reevaluate.

(We also haven't really dealt with the problem of the hormone-induced CRAZY I get right before my period, but I think we're focusing on getting me through the day-to-day first. I'm hesitantly optimistic, since the last few weeks have been pretty good, actually, but we'll see how it goes.)

Today is going to be a spammy day, I suspect. Be warned!

- post office tomorrow before work
- e-mail
-- Marvelous Mayhem re: returning corset
-- application to perform at Maryland Day
-- Campus Reservations survey
-- AV survey waiting for A
- complete line item transfer and ISR to pay for AV waiting for the refund agreement
- dishes (I used a lot of pots and things last night)
- LJ life update
- vacuum
- assemble external hard drive
- Otzma reference for A
- writing
-- picfor1000
-- stargate_summer
-- drabbles xIdon'tevenremember
-- extra Question(s) for fandom_grammar
- order M and L t-shirts for MMRP (A managed to throw out the box that had them, so all we have is S and XL)
- harass MMRP cast members who haven't given me their schedule yet

It's going to be another to-do list week, I can feel it.

- call
-- shrink re: appointment appointment made
-- therapist re: appointment appointment made
- e-mail
-- dude interested in being in MMRP
-- Lisa re: AV refund
-- Andy re: advertising (there wasn't any)
-- Marvelous Mayhem re: returning corset
- Monologues 2010 budget
-- submit budget proposal
-- deliver two paper copies to SGA finance office
- complete line item transfer and ISR to pay for AV (yeah, I know, makes no sense) waiting for the refund
- grocery shopping
- cooking
- fold laundry
- shower
- change sheets
- LJ life update
- clean room
- take out trash
- assemble external hard drive
- Otzma reference for A
- writing
-- picfor1000
-- stargate_summer
-- drabbles xIdon'tevenremember

Seeing new doc again this morning, and therapist this afternoon. Updates to follow.